Chapter 2

I picked up my handheld camera and forced a smile at the lens:

"Today... let's pretend I'm having one last meal with my Violet."

I held up the bowl of oatmeal and imagined my daughter sitting across from me. I smiled at the empty space, like I was answering an unasked question:

"You're wondering about Violet? She... has work. She can't make it today."

I bowed my head and took a spoonful of oatmeal. Suddenly, a violent coughing fit hit me.

I lurched sideways and spat a mouthful of blood-flecked oatmeal into the trash can by my feet, then quickly covered it with crumpled paper.

I wiped the corner of my mouth and managed a weak smile for the camera. "End-stage kidney failure... it's no walk in the park... Did I scare you, honey?"

I lifted the camera, angling it to show myself and the empty chair across from me:

"Quick, let's get this 'lonely mom special' on film. Once I'm gone, you won't get to see me like this anymore."

The lens caught only my forced smile. I held it there, staring for a long, long moment.

"Violet... do you think... if I wasn't here one day, would you... would you ever think of me?"

I paused, resting my cheek gently against the cold table edge:

"Sometimes I have these silly thoughts. If I turned into a bug, would you even recognize me?"

I shook my head, muttering to myself:

"No, a bug's no good... maybe a little bird instead. I'd be the kind you loved as a kid—a cardinal with a clear, sweet song. If you ever missed me, I'd land on your windowsill and sing for you."

"I promise I won't wake you up or make a mess on your windowsill..."

My voice trailed off until it dissolved into quiet sobs.

Dinner was finished.

I leaned against the wall, shuffling slowly over to that old cabinet.

In the bottom drawer, under everything else, was money I'd secretly stashed away over the years. I put it all on a bank card and carefully wrote the PIN on the back.

Then I found that copy of *The Education of the Heart* I'd bought years ago and slipped the card inside. After a moment's thought, I pulled out a crumpled piece of paper and wrote:

[Violet, Mom will come back as a little bird to see you]

Tears finally came pouring out, splashing heavily onto the floor.

"My daughter... Mom really wishes... I could really become a little bird..."