Chapter 2

Behind the school was a small path. At the end of the path was a flower bed and a water basin.

The basin was used by the school for watering plants. It wasn't large.

But on this winter day, the wind was so cold it made me shiver.

I walked to the edge of the basin and saw a thin layer of ice forming on the surface.

I crouched down, rolled up my sleeves, cupped water in my hands, and splashed it on my pants.

The icy water made me gasp.

But I didn't stop. I kept cupping water and splashing it on my pant legs, scrubbing as I muttered to myself.

"Once I'm clean, Mom won't be disgusted by me."

"Once I'm clean, Mom will hold my hand again."

I remembered the rules at home.

Before using the toilet, I had to lay three layers of toilet paper on the seat, not more, not less.

After urinating, I had to spray the toilet seat twice with disinfectant spray, from left to right, never in reverse.

When washing my hands, I had to lather with soap and scrub for the time it took to sing the birthday song twice to be truly clean.

Once I was in a hurry and sat down before laying the toilet paper.

When my mother found out, she dragged me to the bathroom and scrubbed the inside of my thighs with a brush.

She scrubbed until my skin turned red and burned with pain.

As she scrubbed, she said, "So dirty, so dirty."

"How can you be so dirty? How can I ever get you clean?"

After that, I never forgot to lay the paper again.

I thought, Mom doesn't not love me, she just loves the clean version of me.

So as long as I stayed clean, she would always love me.

After scrubbing for a while, I realized that just washing my pants wasn't enough.

My mother had said that anywhere touched by dirty things had to be cleaned, or the bacteria would spread.

The urine had run down my pants onto my legs, so my legs were dirty too.

I took off my shoes and stepped barefoot into the shallow water at the edge of the basin.

The water covered my ankles, so cold that the muscles in my calves cramped.

Gritting my teeth, I bent down to scrub my legs.

I didn't notice the slippery moss on the bottom of the basin.

My foot suddenly slipped forward, and I lost my balance.

Instinctively, I reached for the edge of the basin, but my fingers only grabbed a handful of slimy moss.

My whole body pitched forward into the middle of the basin.

My forehead struck the edge of the basin wall.

There was a dull thud, and then I fell into the water. Water rushed into my nose.

I tried to move, but my head was buzzing and my arms and legs suddenly felt very heavy.

The light before my eyes gradually dimmed. I remembered what my mother used to say.

"Ernest, I only love babies who are clean and spotless."

Mom, I'm washing myself. I'm making myself clean.

Please wait for me.

Once I'm done washing, you'll hold my hand again, right?

Ripples spread across the water's surface in widening circles before fading away.

A few dead leaves drifted down from the trees, landing on the water's surface, sticking to my back.